she woke up with a sticky ear
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
