My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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