oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
