I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
