sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
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Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
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What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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