And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
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I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
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How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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