you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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