I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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