she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Shame is for Republicans.
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