Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize