remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
