I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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