I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
