He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
