Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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