i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
