so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I AM VODKA MAN
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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