What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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