Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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