my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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