it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I am midnight drunk by noon
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
