You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
