Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
