final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
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You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
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Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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