I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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