Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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