did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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