You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Randomize
