I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I accidentally had phone sex last night
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
