She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
