Umm I'm too high to move.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize