So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
