When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
