The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Randomize
