Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Do vagina's smell?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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