Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Fuck appropriateness.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
