I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
