i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
