I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher