Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
