you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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