he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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