I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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