They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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