Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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