you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
