please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
