I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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