if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
