I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm having to shit out rocks
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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