so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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