btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
