Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
