you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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