She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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