Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
