matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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