fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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