My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
