In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
