Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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